Self Defense in Canada

Self Defense Canada - What Would You Do If Attacked & Stabbed By Your Child?

Toronto, Canada, May 16, 2013 - In this SAFE International Self Defense Canada Blog I want to share a story about a male client I taught, and his personal story asking "What would you do if you were attacked by your own child?" Anyone who has been attacked knows the emotional, psychological, and physical challenges one faces, but if you want to magnify it a 1000 times, imagine if it was your own child who was trying to kill you?  That brings a whole new dimension that I have never experienced, but have spent many hours thinking about after hearing this story that a private client shared with me a couple years ago.  SAFE International has taught more than 175,000 people, but this story shows so many successful strategies that a person with ZERO training implemented, but they still felt as if they were unsuccessful.  Please share this story with others.

I received a call requesting some private lessons with a gentleman who had experienced, perhaps the most horrifying experience a parent could go through.  This man had been stabbed by his own son and had spent a considerable amount of time questioning what he did, with many of his friends telling him he handled the situation wrong.  Immediately when I hear that someone's friends say they handled things "wrong", I get uncomfortable because those friends usually don't have a clue what they would have done.  More on that as I tell the story.

This man was at the hospital with his son who had been diagnosed as being "bipolar".  He was 21 years of age and had shown some signs that prompted the father to seek treatment for this condition.  The doctor put his son on a set of medications to treat him.  That day for some seemingly unknown reason this man felt an overwhelming, acute, gut wrenching feeling of fear from his son.  He felt that his son may harm him and this feeling came with no obvious explanation.  He expressed this feeling privately with the doctor asking "Should I be worried?"  The doctor said he would be fine.  I ask, what is the doctor basing this on?  Likely on statistics, and that odds are he will be fine, BUT as I always teach, your INTUITION overrides everything.  Why would you let anyone, regardless of their credentials cause you to not trust your intuition? Yes, take into consideration what the "expert" is saying, but don't let it cause you to dismiss your personal feelings, especially if they are so strong. 

That night at their cottage, the father and son were alone.  At one point the son grabbed a knife from the drawer and said to his father, "I am going to kill you!"  The father told me that he grabbed a golf club which was nearby and stood in front of his son with it.  He told me he could just not strike his son with it.  He then grabbed a chair nearby creating distance and moving it back and forth. 

I teach to grab an object if attacked by someone with a knife.  This can allow you to create some distance and have ability to possibly knock the knife out of attacker's hand with the object.

He said, "But while I was moving the chair back and forth, my son slashed at me cutting the meaty part of my forearm"  I said, "GREAT, you can take a cut there, you don't want it on the inside part of the forearm".  Now, HERE IS A KEY PART TO THE STORY!  With all this violence, this man has every right to be angry, pissed off, and yelling at his son as so many self defense courses would teach you, but this man with ZERO training, calmly said to his son, "You are killing your father".  Think about that? He is not challenging his son, he is not threatening his son, he is not even telling his son to stop, but rather, he tapped into something in his son that caused him to stop and drop the knife.  No, there is no guarantee this strategy will work, but so much better in my opinion in regards to, he is less likely to escalate the situation. 

The son dropped the knife and ran out of the house to escape.  This father called the police who arrived, found the son, and arrested him.  His son is now getting professional treatment.  After telling me this story, this man/father asked me, . I said, "Are you kidding? You handled that brilliantly!"  He said, "But I have lost some of the use of my arm."  I said, "I don't mean to seem insensitive, but I DON"T CARE, you are here, alive and well". 

The smile on his face made me very emotional,  as it is doing right now remembering his story because he had beaten himself up thinking he had handled things wrong. Also, all his friends saying he handled it wrong didn't help. I asked what his friends said and he told me they had said, "I would have disarmed my son with move A, move B, etc".  I said, "Bullshit, they have never likely been in a scenario like what you went through" 

1) What he said verbally to his son was AMAZING! It met so many of the criteria I now teach which are: Don't Challenge, Don't Threaten, Don't Tell Them They Are Wrong, Don't Tell Them What To Do!  If he had done any of those he may have escalated his son's attack. 

2)  Grabbing the chair was very smart, particularly for someone with no previous training. 

3)  My only advice which I completely understand his hesitation to do, was to use the golf club to stop his son from stabbing him.  See, using violence on his son in this case would have been a good use of violence because it may stop his son from killing him and then going to jail for life. 

VIOLENCE CAN BE USED FOR GOOD REASONS! VIOLENCE is not bad if it is used to get home safely to your family, or to save your family, even if you have to use it on them.

This story has been a big part of all my seminars now.  I never stop being amazed of the success stories people are comfortable to share with me. 

 

SAFE International has taught more than 175,000 people since 1994.  For more info on our courses, please visit our main website at www.safeinternational.biz

 

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SAFE International Self Defense Canada - Story of Surviving Violence & Murder

April 5, 2013, Canada - In this SAFE International Self Defense Canada Blog I would like to share a short story of surviving violence and possible murder that was shared with me last night while teaching a self defense seminar with a group of women and few men.  This story involves convicted murderer Mark Wells who was convicted of 4 murders in the Woodstock, ON area many years ago. Here is a short excerpt on those murderers from a blog written by Jade Walker that I found.  Following that is the story that was shared with me last night from a woman who was also on the receiving end of violence from this man.  

"Wells was in the process of killing Annette Norman when her sons Richard, 8, and Christopher, 7, walked in and witnessed the crime. Wells stabbed the boys and then slit their throats (one of the boys was still holding a bag of candy when his body was found). Wells was also found guilty of strangling Christine Tansley, whose body was found in her blood-spattered apartment the day before the Norman murders".

She was parked at the side of the road with her boyfriend when this man tapped on her window for her to open her door! Thinking he needed help, she opened the door without any hesitation. He immediately punched her in the chest as hard as possible. When noticing the boyfriend, he took off and the boyfriend pursued him. Soon after his attack on her, he attempted to strangle another woman. 

She came to find out soon after from the police that it was Mark Wells who attacked her, and about his 4 disgusting murders. She told the group last night that she had learned a huge lesson which she has obviously never forgotten.

PLEASE DON'T JUST OPEN YOUR CAR DOOR OR HOME DOOR TO PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW!

It is so sad, but true, that you have to keep your guard up all the time nowadays.  As I teach, if your intuition speaks to you in the slightest, TRUST IT! I would much rather risk offending someone and getting out of a scenario than find myself in the middle of violence because I ignored my gut feeling or was too polite. 

This woman, in my opinion, was very close to becoming one of this man's murder victims & she did what thousands of people do everyday. 

Most people are polite and trust without hesitation.  

It can happen so quickly and no one knows the motive of the attacker since everything can happen in a split second. 

Here are just a FEW SAFETY TIPS I teach:

- if your car is broken down or someone is knocking on car window with request, DO NOT lower window or open door.  Talk through the window.

- have a charged cell phone with you for moments when you may be isolated or broken down on side of road. Have 911 programmed into phone because many people I have taught could not remember the number 911 in moments of duress.

-  keep car parked straight out and started with doors locked so if you have to escape quickly, you just have to drive straight out.  Trying to start a car and back out quickly without accident, while in a moment of high stress, such as someone banging on window or trying to force their way in your car,is a complex motor skill which would be close to impossible to do.

-  if they gain access to your car, attempt to get out as soon as possible because you never want someone to take you to a "secondary location" where they can continue their attack with much less risk of being caught.

-  if they demand you drive to that secondary location, put serious consideration into crashing the car as attackers do not want attention drawn to what they are doing.  I would rather risk the injury of a car crash than the potential violence you will face if you go to that secondary location. 

Understand there are no definite answers for any scenario.  What might save you in one scenario could be poor advice in another. There is great value in thinking of possible scenarios with different variables.  By just thinking of them, you have at a minimum, some plan of action you might be able to access if ever in a real situation. 

SAFE International has taught more than 175,000 women and men of all ages since 1994.  For more information on our courses, please visit www.safeinternational.biz  SAFE International is a mobile self defense company traveling extensively to make people safer. 

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I had one of the women approach me after the seminar yesterday and asked me if she could ask a question about something she had not shared with others. She indicated she used to be in an abusive relationship and said when things would get violent that no matter what she said, he would still be abusive. She asked what she could have done differently? I indicated I could not really answer without knowing specifics of each, or any particular scenario, because as I always teach, there are thousands of variables, including in her case having little kids in the home at the time. I was able to say that you are here now and your kids are fine right? She said "Yes We Are". I said then you did something amazing because you are here now telling me this story and your family is well. THE HUGE SMILE THAT CROSSED HER FACE ALMOST BROUGHT ME TO TEARS! I don't think she realized she must have done so much right, but rather kept playing out in her mind what she felt she did wrong! Hearing these stories of survival are what keeps one motivated! Thanks to her for sharing such an intimate story!

SAFE International Self Defense Blog - In my twin sister’s rape, there were many victims

In my twin sister's rape, there were many victims

 

March 29, 2013, Canada - In this SAFE International Self Defense Blog I would like to share a story directly out of the Washington Post.  SAFE International has taught more than 175,000 women since 1994 and the stories we receive on women being raped are heartbreaking.  This story illustrates how rape not only effects the victim, also their loved ones.  Please take a few minutes to read this and forward to your friends, family, and others you know.  Here is the direct story from the Washington Post.

 

Christa Parravani - Christa Parravani, at right, with her twin sister, Cara. “Cara’s rapist struck every person who ever loved her,” Parravani writes.

By  Christa Parravani, 

Mar 28, 2013 07:20 PM EDT

The Washington Post Published: March 28

 

 

 

 

 

Christa Parravani is the author of “Her: A Memoir.”

Whether you’re traveling on a bus in New Delhi, India, or drinking at a teen party in Stuebenville, Ohio, rape, it seems, is never far. In the United States, nearly one in five women have been raped at some point in their lives, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — most of them before age 25. Across the planet, more than one in three women will be physically or sexually abused by men.

But whatever the grisly statistics, the number of people damaged by rape is much higher.

I know this math intimately.

In 2001, my identical twin, Cara, was raped by Edgardo Hernandez, a stranger, when we were 24. It was a violent act that destroyed her. And then it almost destroyed me.

After her rape, Cara took drugs in quantities that would prove to be lethal, doses she felt she needed to help her forget. She died from an overdose of heroin laced with fentanyl, a pain medication, on a late spring afternoon — June 13, 2006. And even though her death was an accident, no one who knew Cara doubts that Hernandez, though he didn’t murder her, took her life nonetheless. It just took four years, seven months and 26 days.

Cara said it best from the witness stand during her rapist’s sentencing: “Edgardo Hernandez is the worst kind of thief. He did not steal my wedding rings, yet my marriage has dissolved. He did not take my legs, yet for over a year I was afraid to leave my house, to walk around in broad daylight. October 18, 2001, was the day I died.”

My sister died from a rape. She is that rape’s core victim — its axis of suffering, of torment, of woe — but she is not its only victim.

I don’t know how our mother, who raised us alone, has managed to endure. Mom was the one who bandaged Cara’s badly injured back where Hernandez bit it during her rape. Mom double-bolted the apartment door to lock us safely inside. And Mom was the one who found Cara’s body when she died. Mom was the first and last person ever to touch my sister.

But she was not the only person touched by her. Cara’s teachers at Guilderland High School in Upstate New York and at Bard College loved her. Her graduate professors and fellow students at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst loved her like family. Her husband loved her, and when that marriage ended after her rape, her boyfriends loved her. These people were hurt when she was brutalized. All of them lost her when she died.

My sister once outran a mountain lion in a Santa Cruz forest. My sister wrote the draft of a novel. My sister meditated at an altar in her living room adorned with shiny plastic grapes and pictures of those she loved, alive and dead. The sound of her laugh was the purest music I knew, a certain melody that she convinced me even the dead could hear.

And she possessed a power over me. Researchers speculate that, when a twin dies, the surviving twin’s life expectancy is shortened. I barely survived Cara’s death. The agony of losing her was inescapable. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I saw her. Whenever I spoke, I heard her. And then, because I missed her so and wanted her back, I tried to become her.

I began to do the kinds of things that would lead me to follow her to the grave. I took drugs. I attempted suicide. I was caught in the trauma of her absence. My first marriage ended after Cara died. I played the loop of her rape in my mind, for that was the moment I’d really lost her. Now my second husband must hold me and listen to my version of Cara’s story whenever the anguish wells up again.

I survived, but it was a close call.

Cara’s rapist struck every person who ever loved her. Then he hurt every person who ever loved me. It is stunning how far the grief of rape travels — across generations. Violent acts done to us affect our children not yet born.

My daughter is 18 months old. Baby Josephine sits on my hip, pushing trustingly against me as I show her a picture of Cara and me that hangs on our dining room wall. In it, we’re holding hands.

“There’s Aunt Cara,” I tell Josephine, smiling, hoping to teach her who this important woman was. “Mama,” Josephine says, proud of herself, placing her tiny finger over my cheek in the photograph. She looks at the photograph again, at these identical women, perplexed, and then claps her hands. “Mama,” she says again, gently stroking Cara’s cheek.

“I’m not the same,” my sister often said after her rape, “but you want me to be.” Sometimes she said this so forcefully that I was frightened. But she was right. There was a Cara before and a Cara after. Her body became marked with piercings and covered with tattoos — Cara’s effort to reclaim control over it.

This isn’t easy to admit, but when Cara was learning to navigate the world as a changed woman, I pleaded with her to move on. I was uncomfortable. I found myself replacing the word “rape” with the word “attack,” sanitizing the truth. But rape gains power in the shadows. Cara said we must never look away.

What will I tell my daughter when she is old enough to ask about Cara’s rape and death?

One thing I will tell her is this: When you hear or see a story about rape or read a statistic about sexual violence against women, multiply the number of people harmed. Be conservative, if you must. Assume that two other women loved or depended on each woman or girl who was violated. So, for one rape, three are injured. And one in three women are assaulted worldwide. So, what’s that?

Three in three women are harmed.

christaparravani@gmail.com 

The direct link to the story can also be read at

http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/in-my-twin-sisters-rape-there-were-many-victims/2013/03/28/09ac8442-9622-11e2-894a-b984cbdff2e6_story.html

SAFE International has taught more than 175,000 women since 1994.  For more information on our self defense programs please visit our main website at www.safeinternational.biz

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SAFE International Self Defense Blog - Self Defense Reaction Drill & Knife Self Defense

March 24, 2013, Canada - In this SAFE International Self Defense Blog I would like to offer a couple YouTube self defense videos of us teaching young women.  The first video is a self defense reaction drill, and the second one is self defense against a knife.  SAFE International has taught more than 175,000 women since 1994, including teaching 12,000 to 13,000 high school students each year.  While nothing we teach is guaranteed to work, there are self defense concepts that increase one's chance of survival. 

In this first YouTube self defense video  you will see a reaction drill in which the young women begin in their passive stance.  What they don't know is when the instructor will lunge towards them with a choke, wrist grab, or other attack.  The goal is to identify a pre-contact cue and strike first.  There is a misconception that one has to be attacked before they can fight back.  This is false, and quite frankly, if one waits to be attacked, their chances of survival dramatically drop dependent on how they are attacked and its' effects on the victim.  There are a number of pre-contact cues one might identify, including the lowering of the attacker's body, hands extending, shoulders dropping, or even facial expressions.  While we recommend striking first if warranted, one must understand that it must still be legally and ethically responsible.

When in high stress scenarios the one being attacked can only perform gross motor movements, which is why SAFE International teaches very basic strikes which you will see in this video.  While this is not a real attack, you can still see and hear the stress some of the students are experiencing.  Some of the young women do slap, so the goal as the course advances is to convert those slaps into palm strikes. 

 

In this second YouTube self defense clip you will see us doing a ground knife self defense drill.  We only had one hour to address this topic, so the emphasis was to: 

1) Show through drills why RUN RUN RUN RUN is best option.
2) How easy it is to get stabbed, so better to RUN RUN RUN!
3) How messy, chaotic, and scary a real knife attack would be, so best to RUN RUN RUN!
4) There are no techniques that can be remembered during a knife attack and you might have to strike first, secure the knife first, or do both. You can only secure the knife for so long against a bigger, stronger attacker, if you even can secure it.
5) There are dozens of different knife attacks, with some being static, and some dynamic!  As usual with many self defense companies, there are many who have fancy, flashy, complicated knife defense systems that, quite frankly, just don't work.  This video isn't choreographer or practiced.  You will see how often each woman gets stabbed.  This is important because we don't want anyone becoming over confident, especially in the area of knife attacks.  The balancing act is to leave everyone feeling empowered, but realistic at the same time. 

 

In discussion with the young women after, the common comment was how scary it was even though this was just a drill.  It emphasizes why our segment on awareness and avoidance is paramount in regards to one's personal safety.  These physical self defense concepts we teach are truly your last option when every other avenue has been exhausted.  

HUGE KUDOS TO THESE YOUNG WOMEN FOR PUTTING THEMSELVES IN THESE DRILLS! 

SAFE International has taught more than 175,000 women since 1994.  SAFE is a mobile self defense company that specializes in women's self defense parties, high school self defense, corporate self defense, and private instruction.  You can visit our main websites at www.safeinternational.biz and www.highschoolselfdefense.com

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SAFE International Self Defense Blog - Story of Surviving Sexual Assault Part 2

March 4, 2013, Canada – In this SAFE International Self Defense  Canada Blog I would like to offer “Story of Surviving Sexual Assault Part 2”.  In part 1, Annette shared with us the beginning of her story when she was 18 years of age.  This story will be very helpful because it has many similarities to stories that so many young women have shared with me.  I offered some thoughts, tips, and advice after different points of her story in purple text. Annette has followed up with some additional thoughts in red text.  If you have not read part 1, please click HERE to read it.  Here is the remainder of her story, and while I feel it is so important for everyone to read it, I will offer a warning that some of the details will be sensitive to some.

I think it was the feeling of something on my lips that made me open my eyes. I realised suddenly that he was hovering over me, naked, ready, and that he had been licking my face. I was startled and asked "What are you doing?" He said smugly that he had hoped it would be rather obvious.. I said "I am not here for that - that is not why I am here" and at the flick of a switch, he went crazy, started yelling at me, asking me what I expected, told me I was practically naked in his apartment, I was stupid, he could do anything he wanted.

I asked Annette if she felt embarrassed about her judgment? I asked because he was TRYING to make her feel stupid for her decision.  It is a common for an attacker to make you feel guilty and use it as a strategy making you feel like you somehow brought it on and deserve it.  Her friends also told her it was acceptable and safe to stay, so that likely played huge part in Annette’s decision to stay.

She didn’t do anything wrong.  No one has the right to make you feel guilty or insult you.  The fact that it is a guy you have known for only hour should set off your intuition to get out as quick as possible if able to.

There was a realisation that he could rape me. I had seen what he could do earlier. The muscle definition on his chest where my eyes were drawn was incredible, and I started to panic. I apologised for any misunderstanding on my part, surely that would solve it, a polite and humble apology... he sat looking at the floor. I said look, I will leave. He asked where I would go, it’s not safe, you have no money, you have lied to your family, and you are nothing but a liar. I was confused, surely this was a misunderstanding to be cleared up, he had been so nice, and kind.  I apologised again... my one and only weapon, I added how little experience I had with boys and that I had never had sex. You are lying he said, I protested no.  He started to kiss me, I said no, he said just let me kiss you it’s all I want.  It seemed like a good
alternative to rape, so I went with it. Suddenly he stopped, he was shouting again, apparently no one who kissed like I did could be innocent, I protested I was.

Many in self defense will have a definite answer for what Annette could or should
have done.  I repeat as I do over and over, there is no answer that addresses all scenarios.  She apologized blaming herself for the misunderstanding which can be a strategy more effective than confronting him.  It can be used as one that might have him calm down, reconsider his behaviour and let her go, or it can be used to lure him into a false sense of control if she decides there is a need to physically defend herself.  And in another scenario it might anger him. Annette displayed an excellent ability to think despite the huge amount of stress she must have been experiencing.

Again he uses guilt to make her feel responsible, telling her she is a liar.  He even tells her it isn’t safe as if it is safer to stay with him.  Using guilt is a very effective strategy for many attackers to get what they want.  So if they use this strategy, realize it is a strategy, not a truth.

Cooperating with an attacker can be used as a strategy to a certain extent.  Sometimes one should fight back immediately, and other times using cooperation can cause the attacker to let their guard down allowing for a number of physical defenses. 

Having educated myself in recent years, and learned physical skills... for sure now, I would have reacted very differently and also employed other verbal and physical strategies. What it does demonstrate upon reflection of my own situation then, is how badly, devoid of any skills, I was to deal with this situation. Without being taught any form of self defense,  I was terrified, overwhelmed and clueless as what to do.  To my mind, the only way out alive, or with the least harm was to mentally persuade/change his mind somehow. I had the belief through social conditioning that this would be all that I could do. I had many arguments with my folks as a teenager about what they believed, in terms of equality and that women should be seen at par with men, and what they could do. In the situation and under stress, I went with their erroneous belief that physical self defense was not an option. It is not to blame them, they thought this advice would have kept me safe, with this individual  there was never any question of debate. I think you need to ascertain that quickly and employ the most appropriate strategy, but for that, again you need to have options with something behind them.

He said there was one way to prove it. I shook my head. He said no, not that, just a simple examination. I wasn’t sure, but maybe if I could convince him and he could tell he would leave me alone. So, much like a medical examination I felt his hand, then oh God, he was shouting again, he appear enraged, YOU LIAR!!! I was shocked, no, this couldn’t be, this was wrong… he made a mistake. He leant over me, as I sheepishly reclined, and he started under protests of stop, something is wrong, it really hurts, as he would continually say "laisse toi faire"... I passed out eventually. I
don't remember much about the specifics, I remember part of his chest that I
kept staring at, and some pictures on the wall, the rest is just black in my mind. I woke up to a cheery "Good morning.” I was bewildered.  Did you sleep well he said? He got croissants. I tried to drink some tea. He was off to see his mother, and
explained I couldn’t come, as he never took girls there, and she would think we
were getting married, he joked.

I am not going to comment on this last paragraph other than to say that Annette
followed her intuition and is here to share the story, so as far as I am concerned, she did what she needed to do to survive.  As mentioned, there are 100s of variables in any scenario with no definite answer.  

I agree that survival is everything. An important point mentally is that it makes it completely different if that is your decision as a strategy to survive, and not just something you have no choice in. I think there is some PTSD research to also support this notion, and this is really important. So many young women commit suicide after assaults and rape and cannot cope with the utter confusion, shame etc, and the fact they didn't defend physically. I was very angry with myself for not having done anything physical, I understand completely now why that was the case, but not for some time. You do the best with the tools you have, if your toolbox is empty......

I left, and wandered around for what must have been hours in the streets of Paris. I got on a train, and started to cry. A man came over to ask what was wrong... I stuttered out a few details, before he suggested going to his for a coffee to talk about it, but I declined.  He was persistent like a vulture, but eventually left. I went home, went to my room and stayed there until morning. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, and too worried about the family's reaction.  I guess I put it in a dark corner of my mind for years. For years I didn’t realise that it was RAPE. I thought it was a confusing situation, an unfortunate misunderstanding and that I had caused the situation through my actions, and lack of understanding. The penny eventually
dropped and it was a shocking realisation.

When Annette does get away she is almost confronted again by another man who ignores here saying NO.  I recently blogged about how men fail to understand that when a woman says NO, respect the woman, and the word, and move on.  Men who force themselves on women to help are not chivalrous, they are disrespectful.  As Gavin De Becker says, “The word NO is a complete sentence!”

Unfortunately Annette blamed herself for years and years questioning her actions.  There was the embarrassment to tell her family when the attacker is the only one who should feel embarrassment for his criminal behaviour.  Annette did nothing other than trust another human being.  Annette did NOTHING wrong.

THIS WAS A RAPE!  This man took away years of Annette’s life and like so many other men, has likely used these same disgusting strategies on other women.  I only hope that others who might read this might gain insight they hadn’t thought about before, or have learned a new insight on some old stereotype they’ve been
told. 

I would like to thank Annette for being so brave in sharing this story.  I can’t speak on her behalf, but I know she was motivated to share her story to help other women who have been or who might find themselves in similar situations.

SAFE International has taught more than 175,000 women since 1994.  Please visit www.safeinternational.biz for more info on our courses.  You can also call us toll free at 1-800-465-5972



Does your daughter have these potentially life saving skills?